Trying to Let IT Go

So I wish I could say not much has happened by it has. Wouldn't be life if it didn't. I recently had a horrible experience buying a car and though I've since sold the piece of junk and bought another car, I'm having a problem letting "it" go. By "it," I mean the experience, process, downward spiral that prompted me to buy the car. So here's my attempt to get rid of it, tell what happened from my point of view and finally let it go.

Before we left Louisville, I had a nice, sporty, little car that we were growing out of. It didn't have a/c and I was in the process of getting that done but then we moved to Owensboro. So after going through a summer of no air in the car, I decided I would get it done by the next summer (2012). Because we had just moved, I didn't have a mechanic and barely knew many people in town. Through one of the church groups I attend, I found a mechanic or so I was told. I'm going to fast forward a bit, the end result was no air was ever put in that car and I was told I needed to hurry and sell it before the pending repairs were needed. It took me almost two months to sell this car. That far exceeded my less than a week norm. Anyways it sold and for way more than I intended to sell it for. That and my school money came around the same time. I was a happy carless (for a few hours) camper.

Fast forward a bit more...the mechanic and his wife had suggested I buy his old work car that had new tires to hold me over for the winter and until I could save some more money. Buying a car from a mechanic seemed reasonable to me. I just needed a safe vehicle to get us to school, the gym, church and back home again. I also had a tendency to want to believe there's good in most people and knowing that I'm a solo parent of a preschooler and a full-time student, surely they knew and trusted the condition of this car they were selling to me. Granted I wasn't a hard sell and didn't have many options but still it was their car so they knew, right? 

Well the first bad sign was the car didn't want to start when I was going to put it in the garage minutes after I handed them the money. That should have been my point of no return but I drew a line at my daughter's safety and I didn't think it was crossed...yet. Second bad sign was when I took it to a tire shop to have the "new" tires balanced and they wouldn't touch the car due to dry rot and cuts in the tires. I was advised, from someone I trust wholeheartedly, that this was a bum deal and I needed to get rid of the car. I was told, by the mechanic, that the shop was just trying to get me to buy tires. Most people would think that my line had been crossed upon finding this out, I didn't feel it...just yet. A week later it rained, the tires skid going uphill and my anxiety started to elevate. Once again I'm told, by you know who, that I was used to driving my other car and not familiar with how to drive this type of car. At this point they're standing on the line. Oh another issue I had was that the dashboard lit up like a Christmas display. Nice for the holidays but not so much for my car. Also there was a stench about the car, possibly backed up fumes, which prompted my 3-year old with speech delay to give it a nickname of "stinky car." I was told this time that he didn't recall those things happening when he drove the car. I was told when I bought it, that it lags about 20-30 seconds when going in reverse. I know, I know...it will be addressed in a bit. I think I made it another week before the next issue surfaced which was it wouldn't start again for about 15 minutes when leaving a store and then again as I coasted into the gas station. When he got a chance to check it out, I was informed, in person, that the fuel injector had blown and  he had only seen that happen when water got into the tank. He went on to tell me that he  filled the car up before he gave it to me so it must have been one of the times I filled it up. Huh? So let's recap, shall we:

• I'm target for an upsell
• I don't know how to drive certain cars
• I notice things that may or may not have happened
• I don't know how to put gas in a car

LINE CROSSED!!! I know what you're thinking, it was crossed long before but I wanted to see if this Christian mechanic was going to try and make good on selling his car to a solo parent and student. I had already taken every last dime I had to purchase another car and find an actual mechanic that works in an auto shop. He doesn't throw his religion in your face and does the job honestly and correctly. So there I was broke with two cars and only driving one. 

I sold the piece of junk car because I was told it's a good car and the issues had been corrected. The young lady I sold it to didn't even make it home without breaking down on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere. When I got the call, my heart sank. How did this happen? That would have been me. I paid to have it towed to her mechanic in her town. I had to do right by her even though I had been wronged. We were told that the fuel pump went out and the transmission was on its way out. Long story, short...though I've sold the car, my good and heavy conscience accepted whatever offer she would make if she wanted to keep the car. 

So it's a done deal. The car is no longer mine. I left the group that I met the mechanic's wife from for "personal" reasons. I have no reason to ever interact with these people that put my daughter's life in danger by pawning off a heap of junk car on me. The way I see it is that they knew my situation and still got over on me. Now it's not my style to put them on blast but you better believe I don't refer anyone to him. I really hope for their sake, they stop messing people over and handle business right. I opted not to take this situation to the next level because I'm not looking to retaliate. So breathe easy if you're reading this. I'm not taking you to court. There's a higher judge you'll answer to one day. 

So why am I blogging about it? I'm having the worst time just letting it go. I've spent a number of sleepless nights just staring , praying for and crying over my daughter. I want what's best for her always. I want to protect her always. I need to know that my actions are the right ones. And this time, I put my trust in someone who knowingly did something so potentially dangerous to us. I can't seem to forgive myself though the car we have now is a much better fit. After talking to that very special person, I decided I would blog about it and let it go for good. It's gone! Lesson has been learned. Anxiety is back down to  its normally high level. Now I'm going to finish homework while  we watch our favorite movie...Cars!

Got Therapy?

I told my therapist that one of my meds was making me crazy. Yeah she didn't laugh either. This is not a moment of bashing or dishing unsolicited advice. If you've read any of my blogs or scrolled down to see my profile, you know I suffer from depression and anxiety. I'm not ashamed.

For the past nine years I've been seeing a therapist. Not the same one, I've been through my fair share until I found a good fit. Here's my issue, I've noticed the downplay of mental health within the black and church community. First of all, mental illnesses affect all races and religions. The problem is more people are suffering and too ashamed to get proper help. I'm not standing on the mountaintop bubbling over for joy about this. I do recognize that being mental un-thy requires seeking help to HEAL your mind and body. Maybe a person doesn't need medication and just CBT. That's fine too. I just wish people wouldn't suggest I pray more or act like therapy is a secret. I do pray more and I'm also in therapy. It's like physical therapy for your mind. If your brain is sick how can you expect your body to function properly. Seriously it gets to me each and every time I hear someone make a joke or criticize someone else for their mental illness. It's not like they would poke fun at a physical disabled person.

When I was hospitalized during my pregnancy, I was on an antidepressant until I gave birth. Everything seemed normal or what I perceived as normal for a new, single mom. When my daughter was 10 months old I unknowingly took a test for postpartum depression. I was told I scored so high the nurse wasn't supposed to leave Z alone with me. In my defense, not once have I ever had thoughts of wanting to or attempted to hurt my child. I thought PPD was when a mother wants to harm her kid. I was however overwhelmed with not knowing what I was doing and having to do it all alone. Because I was so sleep deprived, I didn't know which end was up and thought it was normal to feel that way. I began seeing the therapist and she told me that normally she admits patients that score where I did. I told her that if she or anyone else separated me from my child, I would really have problems. (that's the edited version) Through therapy and being a proactive patient I've discovered that PPD is not at all what I thought and what I felt was not normal and healthy.

                                                                    
I'm a better mom now and in the future because I recognized and accepted the help needed to care for my Z. I could write a million blogs to tell you all how much I love this little girl. She has changed my life and made me realize that I need to be well to give her all that she deserves. I have a feeling there are a few other moms that feel the same way and won't get help for whatever reason. Trust me, you won't "just" get over it.

It's NOT In Your Head

For all those moms out there living with Postpartum Depression and/or Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, don't allow some yahoo to make you think for one moment what you're going through isn't real. For some medications work and for others a combination of therapy and medication management work. Whatever works for you whether it's one or the other, both, prayer, support groups, reading, exercises, meditation or whatever...keep doing it. You will continue to feel better and what you feel is real. Something so real that only you know how it affects you. Keep your head up ladies. We might be a little stressed however it could never overshadow that we are oh so blessed!

Weaning Mom: Part 1 - The Pacifier

So we reached the weaning phase a few months ago and we're still working it out. I say we simply because it sounds more pleasing. My honest opinion is I'm weaning as I instruct my daughter to develop into the next stages in her life.

When my baby was in the NICU and working with a speech therapist, I was told pacifiers were a wonderful thing. My goal should be to wean when teething begins. So my poor darling develops her first habit...the pacifier. Almost immediately she knew which she prefered. She didn't care much for the soothie so it was easy giving those away. I donated them to an animal rescue. Once he figured out how to move her hands, she loved putting her pacie in her mouth. The fact that she'll insert the pacie upside down and give me the look still cracks me up. Anyway she got her first two teeth around 7 months and the love affair continues. We were down to maybe a half an hour a day. She didn't need one at night thanks to nighttime nursing though I keep in within her reach for morning. I'm not sure what happened that we had a setback. Her bff was born so maybe watching another baby suck on one made it the thing to do. Another possibility is the next two teeth cut about a week ago and she likes to gnaw on it at times. Due to the pediatrician telling me that teething is like having dental work done on a daily basis, I couldn't breakup this love affair. I mean I can take the fussiness around meal or nap time. It's those times when you've done everything on the checklist and still no relief when pacie comes to the rescue. Who knows if it's what she wanted or more of what I needed to keep my sanity.

So today on The View they talked about the binky fairy. Elizabeth swears by it. Sherry said absolutely not and Whoopi said what I really needed to hear. In a nutshell she said you're the mama so you do what's best for your child. If you want to tell them a fairy took it or that another baby needs them, that's your decision. And if someone walks up to your child and takes their pacifier...shake 'em. I prefer telling them to keep their hands off my child which was another suggestion. So if it takes 21 days to break a habit, the days of pacie are coming to an end. Because I'm a single mom and doing it all alone I will make sure to be well-equipped when away from home. Other than that a refresher course in self-soothing will be the next course of action. The goal is to be pacified free by her first birthday.

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