Got Therapy?

I told my therapist that one of my meds was making me crazy. Yeah she didn't laugh either. This is not a moment of bashing or dishing unsolicited advice. If you've read any of my blogs or scrolled down to see my profile, you know I suffer from depression and anxiety. I'm not ashamed.

For the past nine years I've been seeing a therapist. Not the same one, I've been through my fair share until I found a good fit. Here's my issue, I've noticed the downplay of mental health within the black and church community. First of all, mental illnesses affect all races and religions. The problem is more people are suffering and too ashamed to get proper help. I'm not standing on the mountaintop bubbling over for joy about this. I do recognize that being mental un-thy requires seeking help to HEAL your mind and body. Maybe a person doesn't need medication and just CBT. That's fine too. I just wish people wouldn't suggest I pray more or act like therapy is a secret. I do pray more and I'm also in therapy. It's like physical therapy for your mind. If your brain is sick how can you expect your body to function properly. Seriously it gets to me each and every time I hear someone make a joke or criticize someone else for their mental illness. It's not like they would poke fun at a physical disabled person.

When I was hospitalized during my pregnancy, I was on an antidepressant until I gave birth. Everything seemed normal or what I perceived as normal for a new, single mom. When my daughter was 10 months old I unknowingly took a test for postpartum depression. I was told I scored so high the nurse wasn't supposed to leave Z alone with me. In my defense, not once have I ever had thoughts of wanting to or attempted to hurt my child. I thought PPD was when a mother wants to harm her kid. I was however overwhelmed with not knowing what I was doing and having to do it all alone. Because I was so sleep deprived, I didn't know which end was up and thought it was normal to feel that way. I began seeing the therapist and she told me that normally she admits patients that score where I did. I told her that if she or anyone else separated me from my child, I would really have problems. (that's the edited version) Through therapy and being a proactive patient I've discovered that PPD is not at all what I thought and what I felt was not normal and healthy.

                                                                    
I'm a better mom now and in the future because I recognized and accepted the help needed to care for my Z. I could write a million blogs to tell you all how much I love this little girl. She has changed my life and made me realize that I need to be well to give her all that she deserves. I have a feeling there are a few other moms that feel the same way and won't get help for whatever reason. Trust me, you won't "just" get over it.

Selfishly Happy

I've been reading more blogs and comments rather than taking the time to blog myself. One common theme I've noticed recently was that people are advising, wishing and/or pleading for other people to not put their happiness first. For example, some of the comments read "People stop thinking only of yourself" or "People are so selfish and don't consider the happiness of others." It goes on and on. It made me think about one of the many times in my life when I sacrificed my happiness for the sake of others.

In a nutshell, I allowed my husband (at the time) to move in his girlfriend so she wasn't homeless over the holidays. I say I allowed it to happen though I was in a low point of life and not capable of making sound decisions. It happened...I lived it...and won't make a mistake like that again. It was embarrassing. They denied being anything other than just friends at that time. Eventually I ended up at a homeless shelter for a few months. I thought moving the girl in was the lowest and worst possible situation. Once again I was wrong. I couldn't take the embarrassment and complete humiliation of my living arrangements so I left. My doctor and therapist had been telling me to consider going to the shelter long before he pulled that stunt. I didn't listen until I ran out of money for hotels, grew tired of crashing with friends after a night of partying and came home to find them behind closed doors in a dark room "playing cards." If this sounds like a nightmarish made for TV drama...trust me, it was my life. The first shelter I went to was horrific. In the minute I used the phone to call my therapist, someone had opened my bag. So I went to McDonald's and waited for my husband to take me to a hotel. I figured my last dollar would be spent on a suite. That was the beginning of learning to be selfish.

Through the years, I've been called a few names other than my own, told I was out to ruin other people's lives and will never find happiness. More recently I was asked by a family member (by marriage) how are things. My initial response was, "Well...you know..." I was told that was an inappropriate response. In actuality it was a delay tactic, I've been known to wear my emotions on my sleeve and give long story replies when the other person could care less. I just needed a little time for self talk before answering. Eventually I replied by saying, "I'm a mother and the happiest I've been in a long time." In my mind I was thinking so much more. It made me realize, I've finally done it...I'm a selfish woman. I have a beautiful dream that came true in my daughter. I've been living on my own for nearly 5 years. A very dear friend of mine told me that my happiness should be my priority. After what I've been through and accomplished thus far...my happiness comes first. I wouldn't be a mother otherwise.

It's NOT In Your Head

For all those moms out there living with Postpartum Depression and/or Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, don't allow some yahoo to make you think for one moment what you're going through isn't real. For some medications work and for others a combination of therapy and medication management work. Whatever works for you whether it's one or the other, both, prayer, support groups, reading, exercises, meditation or whatever...keep doing it. You will continue to feel better and what you feel is real. Something so real that only you know how it affects you. Keep your head up ladies. We might be a little stressed however it could never overshadow that we are oh so blessed!

The Foot Thing

I'm so sad I can barely breathe. I know that he wanted a child. He always did. He told me that one day we would have a child just not then. I can't wait to start healing because right now I just feel like I'm still being hurt.

You know why I don't sleep in my bed? I can't stand sleeping alone. Sure I don't want Rubee hurting herself trying to get in the bed. More importantly I just can't stand sleeping alone.

When I was younger, I had my own bed but not my own room. My sister was fearful of many things. Mostly being alone. She would push our beds together. I started doing my foot thing then. I would rub my foot on hers to fall asleep. She found security in it. So did I. It became such a habit with me.

He told me he loved that about me or the way I would smile in my sleep. I loved sleeping with him...literally. We didn't have to cuddle because he didn't like it. I was happy as long as I could do my foot thing. When he wrote me after I told him I didn't want to be together from discovering he had been cheating on me, he begged me not to leave. He always said all the nice things after he would hurt me. So now I wonder as I lay here drowning in my tears...did he really love the foot thing?

So What If I Don't Have Kids

I decided to repost this one. Originally I wrote it in 2006. Amazing how life changes. I may post a followup.

So here's the deal. When I first began puberty, it was a medical nightmare. I was sick all the time. My second home was the emergency room and I was nearly addicted to codeine. All I heard from every doctor was, "just wait til you have kids." Wait for what? They told me this from age 11 on. I would have rather have had really bad PMS. Instead I had cramps that mimicked birthing contractions every single month. Finally Depo-Provera hit the market when I was 18. My lifesaver...no more "wait til you have kids" comments. Pain is a way of your body letting you know something is wrong. I knew something was wrong right away and I never believed getting pregnant was the cure.

Well I went most my adult life thinking I had one less thing to worry about...little did I know. When Depo-Provera first came out it was known fact that their was bone loss from the injection however it was thought that the bones would regenerate from the lost. That's what they thought. In mid to late 90's I found out that I have rheumatoid arthritis. It only took nearly six doctors, several stress fractures, sprains and unexplained morning stiffness that lasted all day to diagnose it. I didn't realize the severity of an auto-immune disease. Being told in your mid 20s that your immune system is fighting with your muscles and damaging your joints didn't mean much to me. I worked in a call center, sitting on my butt for 8-16 hours (I loved overtime) wearing a headset and typing a few memos. Now I honestly didn't believe I was putting that much pressure on my joints. I've come to realize that just breathing will put pressure on my joints.

So I took it with stride by working harder and ignoring the symptoms. I didn't have people around me that were sick or in pain. Who was I to complain and give in to it? That only lasted for so long. Last summer my body crashed. I was hit hard with something so small that has kept me from work to this day. After a few stays in the hospital, countless nights in the er and tests that ranged from typical x-rays to needle poking, I realize that pain is not to be ignored. I've had techs tell me to drink a beer to calm my tremors and (of course) "just wait til you have kids."

Lets skip ahead to one month ago. I was told that I have severe osteoporosis in my spine and my hips have started to thin. I've been advised to trim down a few pounds to keep the extra weight off my joints. As far as depo, I can never be put back on because studies show the bone loss is permanent. To put this in perspective, I've been told that the osteoporosis is thinning my bones increasing my risk of fractures. With rheumatoid arthritis, my muscles are tearing away at my joints causing permanent stiffness and damage. I've been restricted to walking, not too fast and very carefully. Being able to spend time with my dogs walking them around the block four times a day is great. I've lost a few pounds (which aren't noticeable). Something is still very wrong. My RA is getting worse and the meds I take are like candy. I still have stiffness to a point I want to stay in one spot all day and more symptoms than I care to list.

The real issue is I'm not getting better. My meds aren't slowing down the progression of my illnesses. Why? Here's what I've been told:
I'm not able to get on any of the newer, better treatments because I'm in my child-bearing prime (yes I finally made it back to this phrase) and I have no kids. Let me get this right. I could get a fracture from sneezing yet getting pregnant is my ticket to getting better treatment? According to my doctors, I still need to lose pounds. Correct me if I'm wrong but don't women usually gain around 20lbs during their pregnancy? Will adding 20 "pregnant" pounds be less weight than 20lbs of fat? Is it me or does this not make an ounce of sense? How would getting pregnant at a time like this be a good thing for me? I have kids...3 in fact...yes they look, act and are dogs but at least I didn't have to carry them for 9 months causing more weight on my joints. So what's a girl to do? Get knocked up! Not to mention I can't get pregnant on my own and I can't afford artificial insemination on my nearly nonexistent disability income.

This is ridiculous! I'm so glad I'm majoring in psychology. If all else fails, I can live the rest of my life trying to figure out why I went crazy and how I can prevent it getting any worse. Oh wait...I don't need a degree to figure this out..."I JUST NEED TO WAIT TIL I HAVE KIDS"...RIGHT? You had to know I was going there.

Yes I'm crazy but you gotta love the fact that I will say anything, anywhere at anytime! Expression is killing my depression!