Selfishly Happy

I've been reading more blogs and comments rather than taking the time to blog myself. One common theme I've noticed recently was that people are advising, wishing and/or pleading for other people to not put their happiness first. For example, some of the comments read "People stop thinking only of yourself" or "People are so selfish and don't consider the happiness of others." It goes on and on. It made me think about one of the many times in my life when I sacrificed my happiness for the sake of others.

In a nutshell, I allowed my husband (at the time) to move in his girlfriend so she wasn't homeless over the holidays. I say I allowed it to happen though I was in a low point of life and not capable of making sound decisions. It happened...I lived it...and won't make a mistake like that again. It was embarrassing. They denied being anything other than just friends at that time. Eventually I ended up at a homeless shelter for a few months. I thought moving the girl in was the lowest and worst possible situation. Once again I was wrong. I couldn't take the embarrassment and complete humiliation of my living arrangements so I left. My doctor and therapist had been telling me to consider going to the shelter long before he pulled that stunt. I didn't listen until I ran out of money for hotels, grew tired of crashing with friends after a night of partying and came home to find them behind closed doors in a dark room "playing cards." If this sounds like a nightmarish made for TV drama...trust me, it was my life. The first shelter I went to was horrific. In the minute I used the phone to call my therapist, someone had opened my bag. So I went to McDonald's and waited for my husband to take me to a hotel. I figured my last dollar would be spent on a suite. That was the beginning of learning to be selfish.

Through the years, I've been called a few names other than my own, told I was out to ruin other people's lives and will never find happiness. More recently I was asked by a family member (by marriage) how are things. My initial response was, "Well...you know..." I was told that was an inappropriate response. In actuality it was a delay tactic, I've been known to wear my emotions on my sleeve and give long story replies when the other person could care less. I just needed a little time for self talk before answering. Eventually I replied by saying, "I'm a mother and the happiest I've been in a long time." In my mind I was thinking so much more. It made me realize, I've finally done it...I'm a selfish woman. I have a beautiful dream that came true in my daughter. I've been living on my own for nearly 5 years. A very dear friend of mine told me that my happiness should be my priority. After what I've been through and accomplished thus far...my happiness comes first. I wouldn't be a mother otherwise.