I May Be Lupie

So here's my health update. I'll start with the good news. I have early stage 3 chronic kidney disease. Apparently there was no change with the flush. My kidneys are functioning at around 60%. The really good news is that I no longer have rheumatoid arthritis. My last PCP said I may have had Juvenile RA that wasn't caught until my mid-twenties. Anyhow, it's great! Instead my labs show that I have a severe ANA level which could mean Lupus. If this is the case, he needs to do a kidney biopsy soon so that they can find out if the suspected Lupus is causing harm to my kidneys. So on January 20th I get to spend a day (and night) in the hospital to have the biopsy. That means I don't have to cook Monday and probably Tuesday! Woo to da hoo on that. After the biopsy is done, I'll follow up with him on February 10th to find out the treatment plan and to determine if I need to see a Rheumatologist for the maybe Lupus crud. I know I bash living in Owensboro quite often. I mean no harm. My something nice to say is that I am extremely happy with my doctors. First and most importantly, they believe me. This can be difficult when dealing with chronic illnesses. Also they have been aggressively proactive in checking everything to see what is going on with my body. I haven't had this in years. I strongly dislike all the changes my body has been going through, however knowing it's not all in my head, a symptom of my craziness, or another one of my alleged hypochondriac schemes, has given me great comfort. I know I have doctors interested in my health, and that they're willing to "dig" for answers.

Now I'm facing the dilemma of whether I need to switch and take online classes this coming semester, so I'm not missing classes. Also I didn't heavily consider any other schools for my BSW, but Brescia's BSW program is completely online. That would free up my schedule not only for health stuff, but more so for Zaynub. I'm in denial over the fact that she will start kindergarten this fall. My intended plans are to be as active as possible with school functions, so an online program may work out. Also most of WKU-O's classes are late afternoon/evening, and I didn't do well with the late class last summer. Actually I swore it off after my final. So that's my current issue as classes start this Monday. If I keep my schedule as is, I'll miss class at least once for the biopsy and however many days for toe surgery. Well I have a lot to think about over the weekend. It kinda bites, but I'm not sulking or complaining. Oh, as far as the biopsy I'll be back to my normal routine right away. My only restriction is no heavy lifting. This would not be a problem any other time after The Fresh Beat Band concert that following Friday. I'm hoping that with the seats being so close Z won't want me to pick her up and she asks me to stay in my seat like she did last time. She gets real serious at concerts and told me not to sing her favorite songs. I'm. SO. Proud! Now I need to do some stuff before we go to Louisville this weekend. I wanted to keep you all updated. Have a fantastic week/weekend. I'll be in touch. 

Oh Toe She Didn't

There's not much to update (lucky for you). I met and saw my new primary care physician. He seems to be just as proactive as the last. I had an EEG which was normal. My pulse was 113 and he is concerned about my heart racing and my shaking. I'd say Zaynub's diagnosis with ODD (will blog later) is part of the reason, but my anxiety has been off the scale for a few months (if not longer). I had more x-rays done on my toe and have to fast again for labs tomorrow. I'm having another bone density scan within the next week. I see him again in two weeks to go over results. At that time he will give me a referral to an orthopedic surgeon. I'm not overly thrilled to have surgery on my toe, however I feel like I'm a step closer (pun intended) to being able to walk relatively pain free. Tomorrow I get to see the nephrologist and hear the results from the round of tests he ordered. I'm still hopeful that the torturous kidney flush actually helped, and I'm too exhausted to be nervous at this point.

After five rewrites I finally put my penpal ad and quirks in the mail. I may try a few other penpal clubs before the end of the month and/or the thirty letters in a month challenge. I did find my penpal from 1995 when we worked at Discover Card but LinkedIn didn't allow messaging so I could reintroduce myself. I hope that she recognizes me just enough to start penpalling again. If so, I will sing praises to social networking for making a WebTV era reconnection.

Well it's bath and bed time for our filter free family. I'll be in touch. Talk soon. 

My "I AM' Statements

A few months ago, I watched a Lifeclass that stayed with me until well, today (or tonight or this morning). People were directed to make an effort and change or remove the negative mind sets. I'm a sucker for any therapy-ish moment. So we repeated the "I Am" statements, yelling at the top of our lungs with passion, conviction, and strength. I'm going to drive this home fairly quickly. It's the middle of the night and my pain is too loud for this time of the day or any other. I was looking through my bins of "stuff" (wouldn't dare call it crap because it's in plastic bins, thank you) to find stationery paper to write my penpals. Normally I go to the paper bin where I have note cards, envelopes, pens, etc. This time around, nothing tickled my fancy so I found yet another paper (craft) bin and feverishly went through it only to find I had no more stationery that I liked and this little book I made years ago in an art therapy group. In this double-sided book, we were instructed to clip pictures and write a story about where and whom we would like to be down the road. I, being the good student, clearly understood but chose not to follow instructions. Instead on one side, I looked for phrases and words that describe the real me that I had lost. On the other side, I only wrote "I Am" statements. It's been roughly seven years since I've made this, and I can't tell you how refreshing it is to be able to read this over and over again now. So I thought it was fitting that my last blog of the year reflect what I thought of myself. Keep in mind these were written years ago, but I think they can still apply to me today and later into my tomorrows.

• I AM worthy of being respected
• I AM moving in the right direction
• I AM living my life for ME
• I AM not stuck for I've been placed
• I AM stronger with each new day
• I AM using my voice
• I AM learning new things
• I AM a student of life
• I AM learning to feel better about myself
• I AM on the road to recovery
• I AM my #1 fan
• I AM doing what only I can do

This will be in plain sight from here on just in case I need a refresher. I have so many inspirational pieces I made in that group, and I refuse to throw then away. If all goes as planned I'll graduate and get my Associate in Arts in the summer (2014), and will begin working on my Bachelor of Social Work in the fall when my beautiful girl starts kindergarten. It's hard to believe she's already starting school. It's even harder to believe she's mine. Not going to gush...online. Anyway, if anyone reading this decides to make their own "I Am" statements; I would love it if you don't mine to share. You can post them in the comments or better yet in your blog (then post a link in my comments). There are no rules. You can "I Am" until you start to believe you are. I did.

Self-expression will kill my depression. Happy 2014! Talk soon y'all.