Selfishly Happy

I've been reading more blogs and comments rather than taking the time to blog myself. One common theme I've noticed recently was that people are advising, wishing and/or pleading for other people to not put their happiness first. For example, some of the comments read "People stop thinking only of yourself" or "People are so selfish and don't consider the happiness of others." It goes on and on. It made me think about one of the many times in my life when I sacrificed my happiness for the sake of others.

In a nutshell, I allowed my husband (at the time) to move in his girlfriend so she wasn't homeless over the holidays. I say I allowed it to happen though I was in a low point of life and not capable of making sound decisions. It happened...I lived it...and won't make a mistake like that again. It was embarrassing. They denied being anything other than just friends at that time. Eventually I ended up at a homeless shelter for a few months. I thought moving the girl in was the lowest and worst possible situation. Once again I was wrong. I couldn't take the embarrassment and complete humiliation of my living arrangements so I left. My doctor and therapist had been telling me to consider going to the shelter long before he pulled that stunt. I didn't listen until I ran out of money for hotels, grew tired of crashing with friends after a night of partying and came home to find them behind closed doors in a dark room "playing cards." If this sounds like a nightmarish made for TV drama...trust me, it was my life. The first shelter I went to was horrific. In the minute I used the phone to call my therapist, someone had opened my bag. So I went to McDonald's and waited for my husband to take me to a hotel. I figured my last dollar would be spent on a suite. That was the beginning of learning to be selfish.

Through the years, I've been called a few names other than my own, told I was out to ruin other people's lives and will never find happiness. More recently I was asked by a family member (by marriage) how are things. My initial response was, "Well...you know..." I was told that was an inappropriate response. In actuality it was a delay tactic, I've been known to wear my emotions on my sleeve and give long story replies when the other person could care less. I just needed a little time for self talk before answering. Eventually I replied by saying, "I'm a mother and the happiest I've been in a long time." In my mind I was thinking so much more. It made me realize, I've finally done it...I'm a selfish woman. I have a beautiful dream that came true in my daughter. I've been living on my own for nearly 5 years. A very dear friend of mine told me that my happiness should be my priority. After what I've been through and accomplished thus far...my happiness comes first. I wouldn't be a mother otherwise.

Pretty Much Love Her

My beautiful baby girl is one year old today. She has been worth every second of two and a half months of complete bed rest, hernia repair surgery and any other temporary discomfort. Just listening to her giggle or getting a wet and sloppy kiss is like having the best Christmas ever. My life has changed in ways no one could explain and yet she's worth it all. Motherhood may not be for every woman however it most definitely is for me! Be blessed.

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Love

Did you really think I was better off when you ripped my heart out? I'm happy to explain to you how I feel. After all these years, 4,445 days & countless lonely nights...I still love. Why?

I couldn't kill you with my kindness. It didn't matter that I changed for you. How did you know each time I said "I hate" it really meant "I love"? Through all those tears of joy & pain...I still love. Why?

I often question my purpose in life. I feel I was born to be hurt and rejected. My health is bad. My heart does bleed. My thoughts are clouded. I talk until I'm blue. I shake with fear. My body is numb...I still love. Why?

I want to go back to being me. I want to laugh out loud and scream even louder. I need to be able to feel everything. Sex is not love yet making love is having sex. Will I ever get it? Even when I live for myself, the sun will still shine. If I don't get flowers; I'll buy my own. When my date stands me up; I'll take myself out. I won't ever wait to be loved. Why? I will always love...me!

So now I understand all my failed attempts with love. It's not me...it's you.

A Friend

If someone told you they would always be there for you and disappeared when you were all alone...do you consider that a friend?

So you're in the worst pain of your life, your heart aches. A friend said "I hate to see you hurt," however they met someone special in their life and things are still new so time is spent building the affair. You have no shoulder to cry on or someone to wipe your tears and hear you scream. Was that person a friend?

Now we all have our "bad" days when nothing looks, fits or sounds right. A friend didn't actually give you the chance to just have your moment...Is that a friend that genuinely cares?

You're extremely busy and though hanging out would be nice, you need to finish things up. A friend wants to kick back and hang out. You simply say, "I really need to get this done." This person begs and insists you come out for just a few minutes. You stick to your gun. A week later you're not able to reach this person. Maybe they're upset...if so, would a friend make you feel bad for doing what's right?

When you have strong feelings for someone and they are only acting as if the feeling is mutual so you don't get hurt...is that a friend being protective or just settling with the way things are so they're not alone?

So you finally meet the love of your life or so you think. You've been in each others life for a significant amount of time and both mutually agree it's time to take the plunge. When you tell a friend they give a blank look and fight your decision as if their life depended on it. Tension builds as you find yourself having to defend your heart. The end result, that friend becomes distant and openly non-supportive...is it too much to ask a friend to be happy with you?

What makes a "best" friend? Is it their style, that winning personality or the fact that they will agree with you to avoid a difference of opinions? When you think a friend is there to support you or hold you up when you're down, is that asking too much of someone? If the relationship is 60/40 or 20/80 at times, do you not consider that person a friend when it's not 50/50? Should friends be able to get upset not always with each other, have a cool down period and be able to apologize later? Are you a best friend or a person with a title? Do you know what it takes to be your best friend and do you have it within you? Should a friend work hard in the relationship or just go along with flow? Have you taken the time to talk to your friends or should they know by now? Do you find yourself asking what happened to a friend or where did my friend go? Does a true friend run off or stick around for the long haul?

So this "best" friend gets to a point in their life when they don't have the same interest as you and feels time and space are something they need. The time feels like forever and the distance is unimaginable. You're ready to regain that contact and fill the void you left open for them. They don't say "no" yet you're the only one trying and things just aren't the same. Could a friend continue to be civil and never really come back or is that person no longer a friend?

Who are your friends? Please share how and why your friend is the best. Add photos if you'd like. Sometime just hearing someone tell others how much they value you is greater than any gift. SO SHOUT IT OUT and then send a link to all your friends to let them know you're proud to have them as your friend. Now's the time to brag on your friend...they deserve it and so do you!

Watching Her Sleep

I've probably lost a month's worth of sleep because of moments like this. To say she's the most precious thing in my life doesn't give enough value to how I feel. I'm often getting on my own case for not getting stuff done. It's amazing how quickly I get over it when I just look at her. Then I think about the fact that this precious beauty is mine. She is the most beautiful daughter I'll ever have. I made her. I sacrificed my time laying in a bed while she developed inside of me. She heard my voice and me tell her how much I love her before we saw each other. It was love before first sight. She changes my life on a daily basis. The friendships I've lost don't compare to the friendship I've gained. She motivates me to be a better person, to never give up on my goals or give in to any pain or illness. I love her with every fiber within every fiber of my being. All this from watching her sleep.

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Daddy & His Girl

Daddy & His Girl, originally uploaded by DaiseeG.

This weekend we went to a softball tournament with my good friends. I was fortunate enough to be able to spend time watching a new dad love on his baby girl. A love so pure and exciting. I applaud all the men in the world that take the time to father their child. No excuses, there's always time for your child.

mother & child

mother & child, originally uploaded by DaiseeG.

Recently I was able to purchase a DSLR just days before a good friend of mine had her first child.

Sometimes I'm Difficult

So recently I was told by a special (in my mind) someone that I’m difficult. Really? Me? Difficult…hard to read…misunderstood…easy to take for granted…hard to figure out what’s really going on inside my head. What can I say or what should I have said? You’re right. I’m not sure how to make this easy for you. I can’t seem to figure myself out most days. I’m not sure I even know what I really want in a relationship. Even when things were not right in a previous relationship, they were good enough. After spending the bulk of my adult life with one person I can tell you what I don’t want.

What’s wrong with each side putting work into a relationship? I believe hard work brings forth great rewards. So if you’re interested in someone, don’t you want to figure them out? I do. Maybe I’m unique in that way. I mean something sparked the interest. Is it unheard of to want to know what that something really is whether it was the last beer you drank or the way a person smiled at you. It could even be the rush you got when your eyes met or an answer they gave that made you swear this person has been in your head.

I spoke with a friend about my difficult nature. It started to make me wonder after hearing it more than once. Naturally the majority ruled on this one for everyone else. My conclusion is that I need and want to be with the person that genuinely wants to try and figure me out. Not saying it will happen which is fine. Maybe I’m more difficult than even I realized. Then again maybe not. Anyway if someone is willing to make the effort, I need to be willing to open up to allow them. Yes I’m pointing out my fault. It happens. I’m not perfect and neither are you so why set ourselves up for failure. I really am a very open person however I learned to build a wall to protect myself. For the most part that wall makes me seem detached, uninterested and unwilling to give my all to someone. Truth be told, I’ve gave at the door, took a few too many for the team and now I‘m hanging out to dry. Though I say I’m not sure I can do it again…I will. I know that my heart will be broken again. Unfortunately I fear that it will be more times than not. I desire companionship just not at the cost of losing myself.

So for that potential, special someone in my life, have patience and hear me out. I really do have strong feelings for you. I’m scared. It’s not that difficult really. I’m just so sick of being hurt. I’m tired of putting my all out there only to have it taken. I’m a giving person and even I would like to take every now and then. I may not ask you. Just know that I’m learning to ask for what I want and say how I feel. Funny that I can write it out and not say it to your face. Know that I’m very passionate about many things…mainly love. I love being in love and being loved.

No need to tell me...I already know

They can't and won't ever make you feel the way I did and still do. They don't know what really feels good to you. It's all for them because their hearts are not true.

They won't give you the memories I gave you. The ones that last a lifetime. Memories like that never fade away. Memories are kept locked in your mind to help you when you've lost your way.

They won't know what to do when you're down. I had a way of feeling you up with cheer. I made you see the light was within your reach. It was because of me that you learned while I tried to teach.

They can't inspire you the way I did. Your dreams would not have come true without the strong support. Telling you you're wonderful is different than knowing you're the greatest at being you. I helped you find more things you could do.

You are the reason behind who you are today. They settle for anything. I make you strive for more. The more you go, the further you'll get. When the dark clouds are hovered, I kept your candle lit.

You don't even have to love them. They can only love your surface in order to love them self. I dug a lot deeper because the love you have inside is what makes the layers of protection. Love may be blind but it always points you in the right direction.

They don't look for the big picture. They are fine with the here and now. Your future will never grow because the seeds weren't planted. They take everything you have to offer for granted.

They thought they had changed you. You are better with them than you were with me. Changes don't occur overnight. I'll stick around while the changes in you and me are in process. They'll run when the changes start to take place. They don't live for the journey, they think it's a race.

Life is what you make. The roads you travel. The obstacles you build and conquer. The feelings you want to feel. The memories you create. The goals you strive to achieve. The seeds you plant. The love you give. The changes you allow to happen. They only want what they can get from you. I want what I have made and can create with you.

I know it's not all up to me. I know you want all the things I have to offer. I know with time, better changes will occur. I know you will always love me forever. A love like mine lasts even when we're not together.

I'm still learning from what I already know. I hope that you will have learned before it's my time to go.