I decided to repost this one. Originally I wrote it in 2006. Amazing how life changes. I may post a followup.
So here's the deal. When I first began puberty, it was a medical nightmare. I was sick all the time. My second home was the emergency room and I was nearly addicted to codeine. All I heard from every doctor was, "just wait til you have kids." Wait for what? They told me this from age 11 on. I would have rather have had really bad PMS. Instead I had cramps that mimicked birthing contractions every single month. Finally Depo-Provera hit the market when I was 18. My lifesaver...no more "wait til you have kids" comments. Pain is a way of your body letting you know something is wrong. I knew something was wrong right away and I never believed getting pregnant was the cure.
Well I went most my adult life thinking I had one less thing to worry about...little did I know. When Depo-Provera first came out it was known fact that their was bone loss from the injection however it was thought that the bones would regenerate from the lost. That's what they thought. In mid to late 90's I found out that I have rheumatoid arthritis. It only took nearly six doctors, several stress fractures, sprains and unexplained morning stiffness that lasted all day to diagnose it. I didn't realize the severity of an auto-immune disease. Being told in your mid 20s that your immune system is fighting with your muscles and damaging your joints didn't mean much to me. I worked in a call center, sitting on my butt for 8-16 hours (I loved overtime) wearing a headset and typing a few memos. Now I honestly didn't believe I was putting that much pressure on my joints. I've come to realize that just breathing will put pressure on my joints.
So I took it with stride by working harder and ignoring the symptoms. I didn't have people around me that were sick or in pain. Who was I to complain and give in to it? That only lasted for so long. Last summer my body crashed. I was hit hard with something so small that has kept me from work to this day. After a few stays in the hospital, countless nights in the er and tests that ranged from typical x-rays to needle poking, I realize that pain is not to be ignored. I've had techs tell me to drink a beer to calm my tremors and (of course) "just wait til you have kids."
Lets skip ahead to one month ago. I was told that I have severe osteoporosis in my spine and my hips have started to thin. I've been advised to trim down a few pounds to keep the extra weight off my joints. As far as depo, I can never be put back on because studies show the bone loss is permanent. To put this in perspective, I've been told that the osteoporosis is thinning my bones increasing my risk of fractures. With rheumatoid arthritis, my muscles are tearing away at my joints causing permanent stiffness and damage. I've been restricted to walking, not too fast and very carefully. Being able to spend time with my dogs walking them around the block four times a day is great. I've lost a few pounds (which aren't noticeable). Something is still very wrong. My RA is getting worse and the meds I take are like candy. I still have stiffness to a point I want to stay in one spot all day and more symptoms than I care to list.
The real issue is I'm not getting better. My meds aren't slowing down the progression of my illnesses. Why? Here's what I've been told:
I'm not able to get on any of the newer, better treatments because I'm in my child-bearing prime (yes I finally made it back to this phrase) and I have no kids. Let me get this right. I could get a fracture from sneezing yet getting pregnant is my ticket to getting better treatment? According to my doctors, I still need to lose pounds. Correct me if I'm wrong but don't women usually gain around 20lbs during their pregnancy? Will adding 20 "pregnant" pounds be less weight than 20lbs of fat? Is it me or does this not make an ounce of sense? How would getting pregnant at a time like this be a good thing for me? I have kids...3 in fact...yes they look, act and are dogs but at least I didn't have to carry them for 9 months causing more weight on my joints. So what's a girl to do? Get knocked up! Not to mention I can't get pregnant on my own and I can't afford artificial insemination on my nearly nonexistent disability income.
This is ridiculous! I'm so glad I'm majoring in psychology. If all else fails, I can live the rest of my life trying to figure out why I went crazy and how I can prevent it getting any worse. Oh wait...I don't need a degree to figure this out..."I JUST NEED TO WAIT TIL I HAVE KIDS"...RIGHT? You had to know I was going there.
Yes I'm crazy but you gotta love the fact that I will say anything, anywhere at anytime! Expression is killing my depression!
