We've all heard the saying "going home for the holidays" right? Think about this, is there really a place that each & every one of us can call "home"?
A little HERstory of me:
Over 10 years ago when my then boyfriend and I were broke and homeless yet in love as never before during the holidays. That June I moved out to be with him. I was the quiet, shy and independent black sheep of the family. I no longer had a home. Summer came and went.
In the fall, I registered for classes while my mother insisted that I major in accounting Well that didn't happen and probably never would've boyfriend or not. So I come up with this creative (at the time I thought it was) plan to take my extra money from the loan and get us a place to stay. Didn't really dawn on us at the time that rent would have to be paid on a monthly basis. Some of you may know the feeling, when you're so in love you get real good and stupid. Yeah well long story short (not really it's me writing), we got our very first eviction. Welcome to the real world! We no longer had a home.
Most of his family were in Phoenix. One of my uncle's allowed us to move our things into his garage until we were able to get back on our feet. Now I know what you're thinking, why didn't we stay with him? At the time he had a full house. There wasn't even room on the floor for us to stay. Still no home for us.
Well Happy Freaking Turkey Day! We had no where to stay hardly any money left and it was starting to get cold outside. So I get one of those really not-so-good ideas again, we can stay at the Motel 6. My pride alone was not taking us to a homeless shelter. We got a room however is still wasn't home.
I swear I can remember this like it was yesterday. Okay I'm really going to get to my point eventually and stop talking. Well it's Thanksgiving so we needed to get some turkey and fixings right? So we only walked what seemed like 10 miles to get to the nearest grocery store. We had enough money to get a loaf of bread, sliced turkey from the deli and maybe a really generic 2-liter of something. We walked back to our luxurious room and had our first Thanksgiving as a family. At the time Michael Jordan was on Oprah so we both were bundled in blankets, fully clothed and watching one of the greatest athletes of all time. It wasn't all that exciting and we still didn't have a home.
Somehow I got in touch with a friend of mine from high school. I had never met her parents however that didn't stop her mom from helping us find a studio apartment and fully furnishing it. We were told not to say anything to anyone, not even my friend knew at the time. I didn't know the true meaning of generosity until we met this angel on earth. Finally we had a home! Or did we?
I learned a valuable lesson that home is not a physical building, street corner, motel room or shelter. Home is a feeling that you have deep down inside. Sometimes you have to go way out of your comfort zone to find a piece of home. It's there. We all have it. So whether you are with family, friends or alone this holiday season, find your "home". Remember to hold on to it and find comfort knowing it's always there and always will. I challenge those of you that made it this far to help someone else discover where their "home" is for the holidays if you already found your own. Happiest Holidays to you all!
26 November 2006
13 November 2006
No need to tell me...I already know
They can't and won't ever make you feel the way I did and still do. They don't know what really feels good to you. It's all for them because their hearts are not true.
They won't give you the memories I gave you. The ones that last a lifetime. Memories like that never fade away. Memories are kept locked in your mind to help you when you've lost your way.
They won't know what to do when you're down. I had a way of feeling you up with cheer. I made you see the light was within your reach. It was because of me that you learned while I tried to teach.
They can't inspire you the way I did. Your dreams would not have come true without the strong support. Telling you you're wonderful is different than knowing you're the greatest at being you. I helped you find more things you could do.
You are the reason behind who you are today. They settle for anything. I make you strive for more. The more you go, the further you'll get. When the dark clouds are hovered, I kept your candle lit.
You don't even have to love them. They can only love your surface in order to love them self. I dug a lot deeper because the love you have inside is what makes the layers of protection. Love may be blind but it always points you in the right direction.
They don't look for the big picture. They are fine with the here and now. Your future will never grow because the seeds weren't planted. They take everything you have to offer for granted.
They thought they had changed you. You are better with them than you were with me. Changes don't occur overnight. I'll stick around while the changes in you and me are in process. They'll run when the changes start to take place. They don't live for the journey, they think it's a race.
Life is what you make. The roads you travel. The obstacles you build and conquer. The feelings you want to feel. The memories you create. The goals you strive to achieve. The seeds you plant. The love you give. The changes you allow to happen. They only want what they can get from you. I want what I have made and can create with you.
I know it's not all up to me. I know you want all the things I have to offer. I know with time, better changes will occur. I know you will always love me forever. A love like mine lasts even when we're not together.
I'm still learning from what I already know. I hope that you will have learned before it's my time to go.
They won't give you the memories I gave you. The ones that last a lifetime. Memories like that never fade away. Memories are kept locked in your mind to help you when you've lost your way.
They won't know what to do when you're down. I had a way of feeling you up with cheer. I made you see the light was within your reach. It was because of me that you learned while I tried to teach.
They can't inspire you the way I did. Your dreams would not have come true without the strong support. Telling you you're wonderful is different than knowing you're the greatest at being you. I helped you find more things you could do.
You are the reason behind who you are today. They settle for anything. I make you strive for more. The more you go, the further you'll get. When the dark clouds are hovered, I kept your candle lit.
You don't even have to love them. They can only love your surface in order to love them self. I dug a lot deeper because the love you have inside is what makes the layers of protection. Love may be blind but it always points you in the right direction.
They don't look for the big picture. They are fine with the here and now. Your future will never grow because the seeds weren't planted. They take everything you have to offer for granted.
They thought they had changed you. You are better with them than you were with me. Changes don't occur overnight. I'll stick around while the changes in you and me are in process. They'll run when the changes start to take place. They don't live for the journey, they think it's a race.
Life is what you make. The roads you travel. The obstacles you build and conquer. The feelings you want to feel. The memories you create. The goals you strive to achieve. The seeds you plant. The love you give. The changes you allow to happen. They only want what they can get from you. I want what I have made and can create with you.
I know it's not all up to me. I know you want all the things I have to offer. I know with time, better changes will occur. I know you will always love me forever. A love like mine lasts even when we're not together.
I'm still learning from what I already know. I hope that you will have learned before it's my time to go.
03 September 2006
So What If I Don't Have Kids
I decided to repost this one. Originally I wrote it in 2006. Amazing how life changes. I may post a followup.
So here's the deal. When I first began puberty, it was a medical nightmare. I was sick all the time. My second home was the emergency room and I was nearly addicted to codeine. All I heard from every doctor was, "just wait til you have kids." Wait for what? They told me this from age 11 on. I would have rather have had really bad PMS. Instead I had cramps that mimicked birthing contractions every single month. Finally Depo-Provera hit the market when I was 18. My lifesaver...no more "wait til you have kids" comments. Pain is a way of your body letting you know something is wrong. I knew something was wrong right away and I never believed getting pregnant was the cure.
Well I went most my adult life thinking I had one less thing to worry about...little did I know. When Depo-Provera first came out it was known fact that their was bone loss from the injection however it was thought that the bones would regenerate from the lost. That's what they thought. In mid to late 90's I found out that I have rheumatoid arthritis. It only took nearly six doctors, several stress fractures, sprains and unexplained morning stiffness that lasted all day to diagnose it. I didn't realize the severity of an auto-immune disease. Being told in your mid 20s that your immune system is fighting with your muscles and damaging your joints didn't mean much to me. I worked in a call center, sitting on my butt for 8-16 hours (I loved overtime) wearing a headset and typing a few memos. Now I honestly didn't believe I was putting that much pressure on my joints. I've come to realize that just breathing will put pressure on my joints.
So I took it with stride by working harder and ignoring the symptoms. I didn't have people around me that were sick or in pain. Who was I to complain and give in to it? That only lasted for so long. Last summer my body crashed. I was hit hard with something so small that has kept me from work to this day. After a few stays in the hospital, countless nights in the er and tests that ranged from typical x-rays to needle poking, I realize that pain is not to be ignored. I've had techs tell me to drink a beer to calm my tremors and (of course) "just wait til you have kids."
Lets skip ahead to one month ago. I was told that I have severe osteoporosis in my spine and my hips have started to thin. I've been advised to trim down a few pounds to keep the extra weight off my joints. As far as depo, I can never be put back on because studies show the bone loss is permanent. To put this in perspective, I've been told that the osteoporosis is thinning my bones increasing my risk of fractures. With rheumatoid arthritis, my muscles are tearing away at my joints causing permanent stiffness and damage. I've been restricted to walking, not too fast and very carefully. Being able to spend time with my dogs walking them around the block four times a day is great. I've lost a few pounds (which aren't noticeable). Something is still very wrong. My RA is getting worse and the meds I take are like candy. I still have stiffness to a point I want to stay in one spot all day and more symptoms than I care to list.
The real issue is I'm not getting better. My meds aren't slowing down the progression of my illnesses. Why? Here's what I've been told:
I'm not able to get on any of the newer, better treatments because I'm in my child-bearing prime (yes I finally made it back to this phrase) and I have no kids. Let me get this right. I could get a fracture from sneezing yet getting pregnant is my ticket to getting better treatment? According to my doctors, I still need to lose pounds. Correct me if I'm wrong but don't women usually gain around 20lbs during their pregnancy? Will adding 20 "pregnant" pounds be less weight than 20lbs of fat? Is it me or does this not make an ounce of sense? How would getting pregnant at a time like this be a good thing for me? I have kids...3 in fact...yes they look, act and are dogs but at least I didn't have to carry them for 9 months causing more weight on my joints. So what's a girl to do? Get knocked up! Not to mention I can't get pregnant on my own and I can't afford artificial insemination on my nearly nonexistent disability income.
This is ridiculous! I'm so glad I'm majoring in psychology. If all else fails, I can live the rest of my life trying to figure out why I went crazy and how I can prevent it getting any worse. Oh wait...I don't need a degree to figure this out..."I JUST NEED TO WAIT TIL I HAVE KIDS"...RIGHT? You had to know I was going there.
Yes I'm crazy but you gotta love the fact that I will say anything, anywhere at anytime! Expression is killing my depression!
So here's the deal. When I first began puberty, it was a medical nightmare. I was sick all the time. My second home was the emergency room and I was nearly addicted to codeine. All I heard from every doctor was, "just wait til you have kids." Wait for what? They told me this from age 11 on. I would have rather have had really bad PMS. Instead I had cramps that mimicked birthing contractions every single month. Finally Depo-Provera hit the market when I was 18. My lifesaver...no more "wait til you have kids" comments. Pain is a way of your body letting you know something is wrong. I knew something was wrong right away and I never believed getting pregnant was the cure.
Well I went most my adult life thinking I had one less thing to worry about...little did I know. When Depo-Provera first came out it was known fact that their was bone loss from the injection however it was thought that the bones would regenerate from the lost. That's what they thought. In mid to late 90's I found out that I have rheumatoid arthritis. It only took nearly six doctors, several stress fractures, sprains and unexplained morning stiffness that lasted all day to diagnose it. I didn't realize the severity of an auto-immune disease. Being told in your mid 20s that your immune system is fighting with your muscles and damaging your joints didn't mean much to me. I worked in a call center, sitting on my butt for 8-16 hours (I loved overtime) wearing a headset and typing a few memos. Now I honestly didn't believe I was putting that much pressure on my joints. I've come to realize that just breathing will put pressure on my joints.
So I took it with stride by working harder and ignoring the symptoms. I didn't have people around me that were sick or in pain. Who was I to complain and give in to it? That only lasted for so long. Last summer my body crashed. I was hit hard with something so small that has kept me from work to this day. After a few stays in the hospital, countless nights in the er and tests that ranged from typical x-rays to needle poking, I realize that pain is not to be ignored. I've had techs tell me to drink a beer to calm my tremors and (of course) "just wait til you have kids."
Lets skip ahead to one month ago. I was told that I have severe osteoporosis in my spine and my hips have started to thin. I've been advised to trim down a few pounds to keep the extra weight off my joints. As far as depo, I can never be put back on because studies show the bone loss is permanent. To put this in perspective, I've been told that the osteoporosis is thinning my bones increasing my risk of fractures. With rheumatoid arthritis, my muscles are tearing away at my joints causing permanent stiffness and damage. I've been restricted to walking, not too fast and very carefully. Being able to spend time with my dogs walking them around the block four times a day is great. I've lost a few pounds (which aren't noticeable). Something is still very wrong. My RA is getting worse and the meds I take are like candy. I still have stiffness to a point I want to stay in one spot all day and more symptoms than I care to list.
The real issue is I'm not getting better. My meds aren't slowing down the progression of my illnesses. Why? Here's what I've been told:
I'm not able to get on any of the newer, better treatments because I'm in my child-bearing prime (yes I finally made it back to this phrase) and I have no kids. Let me get this right. I could get a fracture from sneezing yet getting pregnant is my ticket to getting better treatment? According to my doctors, I still need to lose pounds. Correct me if I'm wrong but don't women usually gain around 20lbs during their pregnancy? Will adding 20 "pregnant" pounds be less weight than 20lbs of fat? Is it me or does this not make an ounce of sense? How would getting pregnant at a time like this be a good thing for me? I have kids...3 in fact...yes they look, act and are dogs but at least I didn't have to carry them for 9 months causing more weight on my joints. So what's a girl to do? Get knocked up! Not to mention I can't get pregnant on my own and I can't afford artificial insemination on my nearly nonexistent disability income.
This is ridiculous! I'm so glad I'm majoring in psychology. If all else fails, I can live the rest of my life trying to figure out why I went crazy and how I can prevent it getting any worse. Oh wait...I don't need a degree to figure this out..."I JUST NEED TO WAIT TIL I HAVE KIDS"...RIGHT? You had to know I was going there.
Yes I'm crazy but you gotta love the fact that I will say anything, anywhere at anytime! Expression is killing my depression!
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