I'm so sad I can barely breathe. I know that he wanted a child. He always did. He told me that one day we would have a child just not then. I can't wait to start healing because right now I just feel like I'm still being hurt.
You know why I don't sleep in my bed? I can't stand sleeping alone. Sure I don't want Rubee hurting herself trying to get in the bed. More importantly I just can't stand sleeping alone.
When I was younger, I had my own bed but not my own room. My sister was fearful of many things. Mostly being alone. She would push our beds together. I started doing my foot thing then. I would rub my foot on hers to fall asleep. She found security in it. So did I. It became such a habit with me.
He told me he loved that about me or the way I would smile in my sleep. I loved sleeping with him...literally. We didn't have to cuddle because he didn't like it. I was happy as long as I could do my foot thing. When he wrote me after I told him I didn't want to be together from discovering he had been cheating on me, he begged me not to leave. He always said all the nice things after he would hurt me. So now I wonder as I lay here drowning in my tears...did he really love the foot thing?
