LuLu

So it has been a week and a day since I surrendered this beauty of a furbaby to PCART. Even while typing this blog the tears are flowing. I wonder if she misses me half as much as I miss her.

I named her a year before I knew she was mine. She was named after (in a roundabout way) my father (Louis) and brother-in-law (one of his favorite designers was Louis Vuitton) and me. The reason why I got a papillon is my drill sargent used to call me that because of the movie and it rhymes with my last name. So put it all together I got this gorgeous pap named LuLu.

Lu was born just a few days before I moved out of the shelter and I got her the week she was weaned. She was one of the first things I got when I moved. She made my home complete. My other dog Rubee was very old and I wanted her sister to help prolong her life a bit longer. Though I was in the shelter for only a few months, I felt like I lost so much time. Brodee was allowed to visit quite frequently which helped with my adjustment back to normalcy until that abruptly ended...not by my choice.

We were fortunate to make lots of other furfriends through the years. LuLu was my baby. She had run of the house after Rubee passed away. Normally she was very inviting. Then I got pregnant. I started to notice she didn't appreciate my belly and definitely not the movement that came from it. When I was 23 weeks along, I was hospitalized and LuLu had to stay with a former neighbor (total lifesaver). I remember crying once I realized my life had changed in a split second it seemed. When I gave birth, Zaynub stayed in the NICU for 3 weeks. We moved into a larger apartment and so I had a little time to get it together. When Z was an infant and not mobile, things were good. LuLu seemed to love her sissy bug to pieces. Then sissy bug started walking and pretty much hit the ground running. She would chase poor Lu around, get into her food and water bowls and just bother her. She knew all her hiding places. On the other hand, Z shared every meal, snack and crumb with Lu. I thought for sure we were going to be okay.

A few weeks ago I noticed Lu was showing signs of aggression whenever Z got too close to her. I would yell at Lu to walk away when she saw her coming and try to tell Z to leave her alone. It didn't work. Eventually I couldn't leave them alone for fear of what might happen. LuLu was and still is a sweet girl. She wasn't the baby anymore. I couldn't go take her for a walk at any given time or give her that one on one attention when she craved it. After talking with only a couple people I decided I needed to find her a new home. The first rescue wanted her to stay with me while I interviewed potential new families. I needed to have the least amount of involvement in this process as possible. I knew this was going to be one of those things where if I talked about it too much I would find a way to keep her. When I met her foster mom and surrendered her I was so upset I could barely talk. Our last full day with LuLu, Zaynub woke up and ran down the hallway saying "LuLu" for the first time. Then her last meal she let Z hand feed her bit by bit. Yeah I was a mess.

It really was difficult however I have to protect my child. One day I'll realize I did the right thing for all of us. I know she will go to a good home and get all the love and attention she deserves. I just wish it was at home with me.

Books, books and more books

Those who know me have seen my collection of books. I love books. My problem is reading the books I've purchased, collected and swapped over the years. So when watching Rachel Ray I heard of Book Mooch. I love, love, love this site. My goal is to clear out the books I have no intentions of reading and focus my library on books/authors that suite my taste.

You list books you want to give away and receive email request to send out. There is a point earning system and you have the option to mail withing your country or worldwide. The thing that will help to control my costs (well, maybe) is that you pay to ship the book. Also for every book you send out you can request two books. It's a great system that I highly recommend to all my book loving friends. Here's a link to my member page. http://bookmooch.com/m/bio/daiseeg

Selfishly Happy

I've been reading more blogs and comments rather than taking the time to blog myself. One common theme I've noticed recently was that people are advising, wishing and/or pleading for other people to not put their happiness first. For example, some of the comments read "People stop thinking only of yourself" or "People are so selfish and don't consider the happiness of others." It goes on and on. It made me think about one of the many times in my life when I sacrificed my happiness for the sake of others.

In a nutshell, I allowed my husband (at the time) to move in his girlfriend so she wasn't homeless over the holidays. I say I allowed it to happen though I was in a low point of life and not capable of making sound decisions. It happened...I lived it...and won't make a mistake like that again. It was embarrassing. They denied being anything other than just friends at that time. Eventually I ended up at a homeless shelter for a few months. I thought moving the girl in was the lowest and worst possible situation. Once again I was wrong. I couldn't take the embarrassment and complete humiliation of my living arrangements so I left. My doctor and therapist had been telling me to consider going to the shelter long before he pulled that stunt. I didn't listen until I ran out of money for hotels, grew tired of crashing with friends after a night of partying and came home to find them behind closed doors in a dark room "playing cards." If this sounds like a nightmarish made for TV drama...trust me, it was my life. The first shelter I went to was horrific. In the minute I used the phone to call my therapist, someone had opened my bag. So I went to McDonald's and waited for my husband to take me to a hotel. I figured my last dollar would be spent on a suite. That was the beginning of learning to be selfish.

Through the years, I've been called a few names other than my own, told I was out to ruin other people's lives and will never find happiness. More recently I was asked by a family member (by marriage) how are things. My initial response was, "Well...you know..." I was told that was an inappropriate response. In actuality it was a delay tactic, I've been known to wear my emotions on my sleeve and give long story replies when the other person could care less. I just needed a little time for self talk before answering. Eventually I replied by saying, "I'm a mother and the happiest I've been in a long time." In my mind I was thinking so much more. It made me realize, I've finally done it...I'm a selfish woman. I have a beautiful dream that came true in my daughter. I've been living on my own for nearly 5 years. A very dear friend of mine told me that my happiness should be my priority. After what I've been through and accomplished thus far...my happiness comes first. I wouldn't be a mother otherwise.