It's NOT In Your Head

For all those moms out there living with Postpartum Depression and/or Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, don't allow some yahoo to make you think for one moment what you're going through isn't real. For some medications work and for others a combination of therapy and medication management work. Whatever works for you whether it's one or the other, both, prayer, support groups, reading, exercises, meditation or whatever...keep doing it. You will continue to feel better and what you feel is real. Something so real that only you know how it affects you. Keep your head up ladies. We might be a little stressed however it could never overshadow that we are oh so blessed!

Pretty Much Love Her

My beautiful baby girl is one year old today. She has been worth every second of two and a half months of complete bed rest, hernia repair surgery and any other temporary discomfort. Just listening to her giggle or getting a wet and sloppy kiss is like having the best Christmas ever. My life has changed in ways no one could explain and yet she's worth it all. Motherhood may not be for every woman however it most definitely is for me! Be blessed.

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Love

Did you really think I was better off when you ripped my heart out? I'm happy to explain to you how I feel. After all these years, 4,445 days & countless lonely nights...I still love. Why?

I couldn't kill you with my kindness. It didn't matter that I changed for you. How did you know each time I said "I hate" it really meant "I love"? Through all those tears of joy & pain...I still love. Why?

I often question my purpose in life. I feel I was born to be hurt and rejected. My health is bad. My heart does bleed. My thoughts are clouded. I talk until I'm blue. I shake with fear. My body is numb...I still love. Why?

I want to go back to being me. I want to laugh out loud and scream even louder. I need to be able to feel everything. Sex is not love yet making love is having sex. Will I ever get it? Even when I live for myself, the sun will still shine. If I don't get flowers; I'll buy my own. When my date stands me up; I'll take myself out. I won't ever wait to be loved. Why? I will always love...me!

So now I understand all my failed attempts with love. It's not me...it's you.

A Friend

If someone told you they would always be there for you and disappeared when you were all alone...do you consider that a friend?

So you're in the worst pain of your life, your heart aches. A friend said "I hate to see you hurt," however they met someone special in their life and things are still new so time is spent building the affair. You have no shoulder to cry on or someone to wipe your tears and hear you scream. Was that person a friend?

Now we all have our "bad" days when nothing looks, fits or sounds right. A friend didn't actually give you the chance to just have your moment...Is that a friend that genuinely cares?

You're extremely busy and though hanging out would be nice, you need to finish things up. A friend wants to kick back and hang out. You simply say, "I really need to get this done." This person begs and insists you come out for just a few minutes. You stick to your gun. A week later you're not able to reach this person. Maybe they're upset...if so, would a friend make you feel bad for doing what's right?

When you have strong feelings for someone and they are only acting as if the feeling is mutual so you don't get hurt...is that a friend being protective or just settling with the way things are so they're not alone?

So you finally meet the love of your life or so you think. You've been in each others life for a significant amount of time and both mutually agree it's time to take the plunge. When you tell a friend they give a blank look and fight your decision as if their life depended on it. Tension builds as you find yourself having to defend your heart. The end result, that friend becomes distant and openly non-supportive...is it too much to ask a friend to be happy with you?

What makes a "best" friend? Is it their style, that winning personality or the fact that they will agree with you to avoid a difference of opinions? When you think a friend is there to support you or hold you up when you're down, is that asking too much of someone? If the relationship is 60/40 or 20/80 at times, do you not consider that person a friend when it's not 50/50? Should friends be able to get upset not always with each other, have a cool down period and be able to apologize later? Are you a best friend or a person with a title? Do you know what it takes to be your best friend and do you have it within you? Should a friend work hard in the relationship or just go along with flow? Have you taken the time to talk to your friends or should they know by now? Do you find yourself asking what happened to a friend or where did my friend go? Does a true friend run off or stick around for the long haul?

So this "best" friend gets to a point in their life when they don't have the same interest as you and feels time and space are something they need. The time feels like forever and the distance is unimaginable. You're ready to regain that contact and fill the void you left open for them. They don't say "no" yet you're the only one trying and things just aren't the same. Could a friend continue to be civil and never really come back or is that person no longer a friend?

Who are your friends? Please share how and why your friend is the best. Add photos if you'd like. Sometime just hearing someone tell others how much they value you is greater than any gift. SO SHOUT IT OUT and then send a link to all your friends to let them know you're proud to have them as your friend. Now's the time to brag on your friend...they deserve it and so do you!

Weaning Mom: Part 1 - The Pacifier

So we reached the weaning phase a few months ago and we're still working it out. I say we simply because it sounds more pleasing. My honest opinion is I'm weaning as I instruct my daughter to develop into the next stages in her life.

When my baby was in the NICU and working with a speech therapist, I was told pacifiers were a wonderful thing. My goal should be to wean when teething begins. So my poor darling develops her first habit...the pacifier. Almost immediately she knew which she prefered. She didn't care much for the soothie so it was easy giving those away. I donated them to an animal rescue. Once he figured out how to move her hands, she loved putting her pacie in her mouth. The fact that she'll insert the pacie upside down and give me the look still cracks me up. Anyway she got her first two teeth around 7 months and the love affair continues. We were down to maybe a half an hour a day. She didn't need one at night thanks to nighttime nursing though I keep in within her reach for morning. I'm not sure what happened that we had a setback. Her bff was born so maybe watching another baby suck on one made it the thing to do. Another possibility is the next two teeth cut about a week ago and she likes to gnaw on it at times. Due to the pediatrician telling me that teething is like having dental work done on a daily basis, I couldn't breakup this love affair. I mean I can take the fussiness around meal or nap time. It's those times when you've done everything on the checklist and still no relief when pacie comes to the rescue. Who knows if it's what she wanted or more of what I needed to keep my sanity.

So today on The View they talked about the binky fairy. Elizabeth swears by it. Sherry said absolutely not and Whoopi said what I really needed to hear. In a nutshell she said you're the mama so you do what's best for your child. If you want to tell them a fairy took it or that another baby needs them, that's your decision. And if someone walks up to your child and takes their pacifier...shake 'em. I prefer telling them to keep their hands off my child which was another suggestion. So if it takes 21 days to break a habit, the days of pacie are coming to an end. Because I'm a single mom and doing it all alone I will make sure to be well-equipped when away from home. Other than that a refresher course in self-soothing will be the next course of action. The goal is to be pacified free by her first birthday.

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Watching Her Sleep

I've probably lost a month's worth of sleep because of moments like this. To say she's the most precious thing in my life doesn't give enough value to how I feel. I'm often getting on my own case for not getting stuff done. It's amazing how quickly I get over it when I just look at her. Then I think about the fact that this precious beauty is mine. She is the most beautiful daughter I'll ever have. I made her. I sacrificed my time laying in a bed while she developed inside of me. She heard my voice and me tell her how much I love her before we saw each other. It was love before first sight. She changes my life on a daily basis. The friendships I've lost don't compare to the friendship I've gained. She motivates me to be a better person, to never give up on my goals or give in to any pain or illness. I love her with every fiber within every fiber of my being. All this from watching her sleep.

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Daddy & His Girl

Daddy & His Girl, originally uploaded by DaiseeG.

This weekend we went to a softball tournament with my good friends. I was fortunate enough to be able to spend time watching a new dad love on his baby girl. A love so pure and exciting. I applaud all the men in the world that take the time to father their child. No excuses, there's always time for your child.

mother & child

mother & child, originally uploaded by DaiseeG.

Recently I was able to purchase a DSLR just days before a good friend of mine had her first child.

Insomnia again, really?

Seriously wondering if I'm having withdrawals from something though I haven't made any recent dietary changes. I guess getting back on sleep meds is in my near future. This was the longest stretch for me...more than a year. If only I could figure out what is keeping me awake. Maybe I'm pushing myself by avoiding pain meds and letting my tolerance for pain exceed all limits? One of these days I'm going to give myself a break. Next time my doctor questions me about dealing with the pain, I really should stop thinking any amount of pain is tolerable. This is ridiculous.

My Adventures in Breastfeeding

My plans were to breastfeed from birth however nothing ever really goes as planned. After two and a half months in the hospital on bedrest my beautiful baby girl was born six weeks early. She had been fighting to arrive and couldn't wait any longer. I remember the doctor asking me if I wanted to breastfeed and of course I said yes. Unfortunately she starting losing color during our first encounter and had to be rushed to the NICU. I can't begin to describe how much that hurt.

After three weeks I was given the opportunity to put her to breast for the first time. I had met with a lactation consultant, actually two. The first one was very discouraging. She told me I wasn't pumping enough milk and would need to supplement. Also I was told that any dietary changes were old wives tales and not at all effective in increasing my supply. I questioned in my mind why this woman chose this profession. While I pumped looking at pics of Z, I cried hysterically thinking she must have known because she was the specialist. After a few days I made another appointment and met the other LC. She was the ray of sunshine I needed to continue pumping in hopes that one day I could breastfeed. Every attempt to put my baby to breast was successful when I had a nurse or LC present. Once Z came home it was as if we had never even tried.

I experienced sore nipples to a point of bleeding. For some reason I couldn't get her to latch though she was practically doing it on her own. The pain had caused me to be hesitant and once again I found myself crying hysterically whenever I put her to breast or pumped. Eventually I stopped putting her to breast and got on a crazy schedule of pumping while supplementing with formula. Though my baby slept all night, I was good to get three hours of sleep at a time.

When I got my car fixed I started going back to my breastfeeding support groups. By this time I had a three month old and just wanted to make sure it wasn't too late. With help from the peer counselors, I was able to get a proper latch on my own. We were well on our way to exclusively breastfeeding until the teething started and I had to return the hospital grade pump. At first I was keeping up using my manual pump and nursing on demand. Unfortunately she started a nursing strike and it threw me off. I purchased a double electric pump and felt like I could keep it going. Shortly after my purchase I got sick and lost a few days of pumping which quickly became a couple weeks. Now I'm in the process of relactating in hopes that we can breastfeed again.