Sometimes I'm Difficult

So recently I was told by a special (in my mind) someone that I’m difficult. Really? Me? Difficult…hard to read…misunderstood…easy to take for granted…hard to figure out what’s really going on inside my head. What can I say or what should I have said? You’re right. I’m not sure how to make this easy for you. I can’t seem to figure myself out most days. I’m not sure I even know what I really want in a relationship. Even when things were not right in a previous relationship, they were good enough. After spending the bulk of my adult life with one person I can tell you what I don’t want.

What’s wrong with each side putting work into a relationship? I believe hard work brings forth great rewards. So if you’re interested in someone, don’t you want to figure them out? I do. Maybe I’m unique in that way. I mean something sparked the interest. Is it unheard of to want to know what that something really is whether it was the last beer you drank or the way a person smiled at you. It could even be the rush you got when your eyes met or an answer they gave that made you swear this person has been in your head.

I spoke with a friend about my difficult nature. It started to make me wonder after hearing it more than once. Naturally the majority ruled on this one for everyone else. My conclusion is that I need and want to be with the person that genuinely wants to try and figure me out. Not saying it will happen which is fine. Maybe I’m more difficult than even I realized. Then again maybe not. Anyway if someone is willing to make the effort, I need to be willing to open up to allow them. Yes I’m pointing out my fault. It happens. I’m not perfect and neither are you so why set ourselves up for failure. I really am a very open person however I learned to build a wall to protect myself. For the most part that wall makes me seem detached, uninterested and unwilling to give my all to someone. Truth be told, I’ve gave at the door, took a few too many for the team and now I‘m hanging out to dry. Though I say I’m not sure I can do it again…I will. I know that my heart will be broken again. Unfortunately I fear that it will be more times than not. I desire companionship just not at the cost of losing myself.

So for that potential, special someone in my life, have patience and hear me out. I really do have strong feelings for you. I’m scared. It’s not that difficult really. I’m just so sick of being hurt. I’m tired of putting my all out there only to have it taken. I’m a giving person and even I would like to take every now and then. I may not ask you. Just know that I’m learning to ask for what I want and say how I feel. Funny that I can write it out and not say it to your face. Know that I’m very passionate about many things…mainly love. I love being in love and being loved.

The Foot Thing

I'm so sad I can barely breathe. I know that he wanted a child. He always did. He told me that one day we would have a child just not then. I can't wait to start healing because right now I just feel like I'm still being hurt.

You know why I don't sleep in my bed? I can't stand sleeping alone. Sure I don't want Rubee hurting herself trying to get in the bed. More importantly I just can't stand sleeping alone.

When I was younger, I had my own bed but not my own room. My sister was fearful of many things. Mostly being alone. She would push our beds together. I started doing my foot thing then. I would rub my foot on hers to fall asleep. She found security in it. So did I. It became such a habit with me.

He told me he loved that about me or the way I would smile in my sleep. I loved sleeping with him...literally. We didn't have to cuddle because he didn't like it. I was happy as long as I could do my foot thing. When he wrote me after I told him I didn't want to be together from discovering he had been cheating on me, he begged me not to leave. He always said all the nice things after he would hurt me. So now I wonder as I lay here drowning in my tears...did he really love the foot thing?